Today, I Call You My Husband

As a little girl, I would lie awake in bed imagining my wedding day. This was not your typical little girl fantasy about prince charming sweeping me off my feet; no, this was more along the lines of sheer terror.

I had this very un-romantic view of marriage.

In my vision, he would be controlling and take away my freedom; I honestly had no idea why a girl would ever want to be married.

As opposed to other little girls, I would watch Disney princesses… and cringe. The very thought of “Prince Charming” had a very smothering feel to it.

My parents had a long and faithful marriage with the usual ups and downs, but there was no realistic reason for my aversion to the thought of commitment besides being born with a gypsy soul, and parents who encouraged my extreme independence.

In contrast though, I was your typical boy-crazy teenaged girl who craved attention and flirted relentlessly to get what I wanted.

The problem always began once I obtained my goal.

The boy would want to sink his claws into me, which inevitably made me run away so fast they never knew what hit them. I would even go so far as to say I felt a literal suffocation; a repellant so strong that nothing could keep me from breaking free.

It’s only now that I can look back and realize the damage I have done to so many. For that I am sorry.

The ones who did not try to clip my wings were the ones I would fixate on. These dysfunctional patterns went on for years… until I met you.

But you…

You did everything right.

If there was ever going to be a perfect match for me, it would be you. You did not let me play my games, and you call me out on my bullshit every single time.

One day, I found myself sobbing uncontrollably on the floor of my shower. My fortress walls were coming down; a feeling so terrifying that it literally felt like an exorcism. My inner-demons left my body that day, they washed down the shower drain and suddenly I was free.

Free to be loved.

Your soul was so pure that I couldn’t help but let go of every fear that I clung to. They say you will “know” when you have met your soul-mate; a concept I once thought so absurd… happened.

In the blink of an eye, without warning… YOU appeared after I had given up on any thoughts regarding a romantic love. I truly thought I was simply incapable, broken somehow.

But you… you were so much more than a romantic love. You extended your gentle hand, and cautiously, I took a step forward. Like a princess in love, I felt magic for the first time.

Each time I would try to run, you would give me that space. You gave me time, then rationally put to rest ALL my fears.

Every single time.

I pushed you to your limits… a test? Maybe.

Self-sabotage? Probably.

But never once did you falter. Slow and steady, you controlled me with the freedom I craved. And, my trust in you grew into something I could have never imagined possible.

Love. Real love, adult love… respect.

These last few years with you have been an incredible learning process for both of us. Our love-story leaves some to doubt due to distance, culture and authenticity. But the only ones who matter are the ones who have supported us. Some can not see love inside of themselves, so they couldn’t possibly see that in us; I forgive them.

Time and time again, you are my calm in the muddy raging river that is life. The ones who truly love us, can see the positive effect we have on each other. I am happier, lighter, more loving in this world… because of you.

When I have a chaotic moment, you hypnotize me with your calm. As if our foreheads magnetically connect and you send me a piece of your soul. Your love is intentional, based in friendship before anything else. There are no battles of the will, no power struggles or jealousies, just a deep respect for the best “friend” I have ever known.

“Passion is a noisy thing, but true love lives quietly,” has always been my motto, and I finally found that silence in my life. Thank you.

Today, I get to call you my husband.

A concept so foreign to me, that I never thought I would utter the word other than in regards to another woman’s man. “Her husband helped fix my car,” or more likely “I like her a lot, but her husband drives me crazy.”

Today, I have a “husband,” and I could not be more filled with joy.

A word I have always ran from as if my life depended on it, is now a proud part of my vernacular. You, have done the impossible by simply loving me in a way that no one ever could. You give me freedom to fly, peace in my heart and a security I never imagined.

When I lay my head on your chest, I know the future is not a scary place. I can depend on you, which I was never able to do with anyone in the past.

We are a team; one that I can count on when things need to get done. You will never leave us hungry, or cold. I will never fall asleep with anxiety because I always know where you are. Thank you for showing me the meaning of “trust,” because I truly did not know before.

All those cheesy metaphors suddenly make sense, and I step into my new role as your wife without fear.

I am someone’s wife? Never has a word felt more powerful.

With you by my side, I feel I have added simplicity to my chaos. Something I never knew I needed. I was just fluttering through life with no destination, running from one fear to the next, but I met you and all of a sudden I wanted a “home;” a place of serenity in the storm.

Every single day, you show me a love so deep, so unexplainable that my past fades away into the darkness, and all I can see is our future together as a family.

Today I call you my husband. From this day forward, I am your wife. I love you.